Thursday, July 17, 2014
I know what you're thinking: you expected a post on how I had run out of soju and was about to share another first world problem, since the nearest convenience store is like, more than a kilometer away.
But listen: hittin the soju everyday is an easy way to a tomb on sugar candy mountain. The seasoned waeg is well aware of this, but it doesn't stop many of those who finally learn they really have nothing left to lose.
I mention this now despite how I'd promised myself I would not talk about it until I had successfully achieved; thus far in 2014, I have not touched a drop of the devil water. Yet here I find myself facing the first real challenge to my will: a trip back home.
Every time I go back, I always bring numerous green plastic bottles of South Korea's number one consumer product. It's cheap, dirty, slightly exotic, and serves nicely as a conversation starter. As I am about to head back to visit my family in the next couple of weeks, I know I must once again bring about 20 plastic bottles of the soju goodness.
Save: who wants to drink something that the purveyor won't stomach? You're appealing to the few intrepid and those who don't give a fuck. It becomes more difficult when you know that liquor back home isn't cheap. I've already spent more than ten grand on tickets and a rental car. There will be many expenses, and being able to shave a few hundred by drinking the soj would aid in the procurement of other goods.
We'll have to see how it plays out. In anticipation, I offer: Please forgive me, great world spirit! I am not weak, but needs must needs meet!
Time for some more rice wine.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
A good immigrant works hard to understand the place they've chosen to call home. It's always a hard go, since calling shit for what shit is is far too easy and essentially forbidden. A true immigrant is busy trying to make their way while hoping their kids don't lose focus of where their folks came from while hoping they don't get so angry they get too much liberal victimhood complex or shrapnel bombs tied all over them. This is the bane of the perpetual outsider.
Your goal is to to impress upon the locals that you are more than a hogwan teacher or contractor, and it's a steep slope. You would think that your go is made much easier by stories of all the Asian trash in your country (prostitutes, bear gall bladder hunters, spree killers, etc.), but sadly as you are educated and know better, this is obviously not the case.
So what should you do? This is the hardest question faced by the long term waeg in this finest of peninsulas.
Gettin all angry and shitting on everything is an obvious response. It can be highly entertaining and very cathartic. The plethora of blogs on this subject is testament.
But truly, the best way is to fully assimilate. As an older male, my goal should henceforth be: become adjusshit.
Only then can you really embrace who you are and what you can fully contribute, since you made the effort to be full on, but were thankfully in the case of the Waeg told to be lacking.
The first step is to embrace and emulate all the worst qualities of what it means to really be an older Korean male. Go to south east Asia and fuck a bunch of underage whores while on a 'golf'; trip. Divorce your wife when your kids hit university and marry some Chinese or Fillipina 20 year old. Demand coffee and benefits from your secretaries, and when they spurn you, fire them. Put a picture of yourself on the wall of your abode that your family must look at everyday, salut, and ensure they think of you as the center of the universe. If they refuse, drink soju excessively, frequent room salons, double pole barber shops, and completely ignore your family. If you've got enough scrilla saved, abandon them and head off to warmer climes. In other words, become the stereotype ascribed to white men that really is the epitome of the adjusshit as perceived in southern Asia. . .forget whatever ethical upbringing you were given, since it is about full on integration. This has the double effect of living up to the chestnut of white men and their dating habits in Korea from the 50s to the present day.
This is a mugs game for the waeg of course, since you'll never really get any of the full on adjusshit benefits in Korea as a waeg, which is total bullshit. . . I can never really do as the Romans do, since well, I can't even get serviced at the busiest whore paradise in Pyeongtaek, unless I'm willing to pay a near triple premium due to my 'big' size. This is fine however, since it will make reconnecting with your roots easier.
For the waeg, it is good to remember that you are intrinsically racist, inferior, and didn't do your military service, so shut the fuck up. You must atone for all the women your brethren and undoubtedly you have fucked and stolen from us. If you say anything about how most marriages to waegs in Korea these days are Korean dudes buying wives abroad, you've obviously got a bad attitude. Atone for the sins of your fathers! And whatever you do, don't post links to porn websites that feature black dudes and white women, which basically strive to feed on the same insecurities in white dudes that the typical Asian lame ass beta / gamma males and females are attempting to negotiate when they go on about said white guys, since this will again serve as evidence that you have a bad attitude and are not fully committed.
The Japanese know this is bullshit, since in Asia if you admit fully to any wrongdoing you'll be constantly riding it for the next 5000 years. . . Koreans like to talk about how the Germans stepped up to acknowledge their history, but the fact is no government agency in Europe is going to harp on about how the Germans never did enough to atone, since well, Europeans understand far more about redemption and forgiveness. A common complaint from many a waeg is that Koreans have issues with personal responsibility, as they so rarely acknowledge mistakes or wrongdoing, yet are quite happy to bring up the mistakes of others over and over again despite apologies and compensation being offered. But then, again I digress.
The main point is that you should let none of this interfere in your pursuit of becoming the best approximation of adjusshit your conscience will allow, all while losing the conscience bit of the equation. Only then can you fully embrace what it is you really are, and could never be. We all have to sell out at some point, right? Best do it in the pursuit of cross cultural understanding. For me, it's all good, since it's just another example of appreciating what you are when you have no agency, since this position gives you license for a sort of freedom, and at times you can gleefully not give a shit. I expect most of the more intrepid weags on this greatest of peninsulas know this all too well, couched in terms of 'developing perspective'. Still, still. It seems most waegs are caught up in the expats' version of second wave feminism, blaming and pointing fingers, while not making serious attempt to be full on in their attempts to truly understand the special situation. To really do, I encourage all those who are fence sitters to strive to become full on adjusshit or adjucunt, the latter of which will be discussed in a later post.
ugh. I'm feeling a bit off. It happens when I get called up by this particular old adjusshi 'friend' to go out and drink. Usually I ignore his calls but as most of my contacts were lost when I drowned my old iPhone, I blithely answered his call. He's always about getting together, drinking too much whiskey, bitching about his wife, then going to greasy old room salons. Tonight was no exception. Best to think about it in the morning I guess.
Time for sleep.