Living in Wonju South Korea, These Many Long Years

Living in Wonju South Korea, These Many Long Years: Version 2.0!

Monday, June 18, 2012

Low Quality Squid!

The long term waeg will be quite aware of the danger they pose to the unsuspecting, pure, and virtuous Korean people, due to their morally ambiguous and skewed worldly perspective.  However, a new foreign danger has reared it's ugly head to infest and blight this fine peninsula: low life squid.

While munching away on a serving of parboiled squid including the internal organs, a 63 year-old Korean woman felt “severe pain in her oral cavity” along with a “pricking and foreign-body sensation.” She immediately spat out the remaining bite, but when the pain and “what the fuck is in my mouth” sensation persisted, she rushed to the hospital.
There, doctors removed what a Journal of Parasitology paper later described as 12 “small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek, and gingiva”—the dead squid’s live spermatophores which had inseminated the woman’s mouth.   What is a spermatophore? you ask, after cleaning the vomit from your keyboard. Squid a Day, a fascinating cephalopod blog on Science 20 by biologist Danna Staaf, reports it’s nothing like a bug actually—no legs, no eyes. Rather, it’s “like a cup of semen–nothing more than an aggregation of gametes.” So, yeah—12 little cups of squid semen implanted themselves in the woman’s mouth. Yummy.
And there’s more:
Each spermatophore includes an ejaculatory apparatus, which can expel the sperm mass quite forcefully, and a cement body for attachment. Of course, neither of those is a needle or a knife–the sort of thing you’d expect to need for actual implantation (into either a female squid or a human mouth). I’ve written a bit about this mystery before. As it turns out, no one is quite sure how spermatophores implant themselves into skin.
Ah, science. Full of mystery and life lessons, the one in this case being, if you’re going to eat parboiled squid (and you might not want to do that to start with), stay the hell away from the internal organs.
No word yet on where the squid came from, but one can only assume that it must have been caught in the East Sea; living in this body of water which appears as the Sea of Japan on most international maps led the squid to enter a life of crime and decadence, coming to Korea after hearing tales of all the beautiful Korean women and easy money to be made teaching Koreans to swim.  The fact that this particular squid would attack and infect an old and defenseless grandmother further highlights how problematic and degenerate these squid are, and the dangers of not changing the name to East Sea immediately.

While efforts have been made to combat this problem by increasing the overall consumption of squid, still cases like this prove the problem is still grave and requires more government intervention.  Previous regulations such as requiring that all squid with tentacles longer than 8 cms be consumed immediately and all squid allow their caricatures be used for catchy seafood advertisements and restaurant signs in the hopes of embarrassing the squid into silence or to simply stay away have so far proven ineffective.

One motion put forward today by a Korean assembly member would see all squid moved to Squid Villages in either the South or West seas, with entrance to the peninsula only allowed once they have been forced to sit through countless 'training seminars' extolling the beauty of all things Korean along with lessons in morality and proper behavior, but concerns over how they might become more Chinese and violent were raised as most international maps insist on calling the area the China Sea.  The bill is expected to undergo revision over the next few weeks combined with more aggressive lobbying of various oceanographic organizations and the United Nations.

Until then, all Korean women are asked to thoroughly cook and chop up squid before consumption, and to avoid fraternization all together.  To ensure that all Korean women are aware of their duty in the face of this danger, all major news portals plan on providing extensive coverage on low-life squid habits starting today, with a special news report being commissioned from All That Media to possibly air as soon as tonight, or however long it takes to make up some interviews, misconstrue statements, or selective quote from low life squid and their problematic Korean female consorts.  Until then, most news sources have begun airing the photo below, in hopes of warning the masses as to the state the nation will find itself if measures are not quickly taken:


Anonymous said...

that's an octopus.

Just sayin'

F5Waeg said...

creative license.

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